Oktoberfest – the Happiest Place on Earth, Part III

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The police van pulled in front of us at a pretty decent clip as I was leaving Oktoberfest. I thought they were on their way after proper criminals, but they screeched to a halt not a foot from my chest. Both side doors slid open, and within seconds we were surrounded. My beer-addled mind frantically fingered through the Gesetzbuch - the book of rules (written and unwritten) that all Germans (Müncheners in particular) seem to know by heart and enforce with both verve and ruthless efficiency (it’s in the mission statement) – what had I done wrong?

“Guten Abend,” I greeted him with my soberest smile.

“Gruss Gott,” der Bulle in the van replied. He was wearing the typical heavy leather Munich-cop jacket. He leaned forward so I got a good look at the leather saps he was wearing. “Do you know it is a 150 Euro fine to leave the festival grounds with a Masskrug?”

* * *

It was just after 1 am as we left the Wies’n. We’d spent a victorious evening at Schottenhammel: six guys at a table reserved for 16. When you reserve a table, you get coupons (Gutscheine) valid for 2 beers and 1 chicken per person (usually). Through sheer force of will, our force of six managed to pound down 40 liters and eight chickens inside of 4 1/2 hours. (We converted some of the Hend’l (chicken) Gutscheine into more beer; it was quite a sight, I’m sure.) From there, we’d headed to Käfer for even more beer and some late-night Schnitzel. (As mentioned in Part II, Käfer’s has the best food at the Wies’n – their Schnitzel is 2x what you pay anywhere else, but it’s massive, fresh, and comes with potato salad.) We were still carrying our nearly full Masskrüge from Käfer’s when we slipped out at 1 am. (It’s not too hard to do. Just position yourself behind some real inebriated revelers also trying to leave with their mugs. The guards will stop them whilst you walk on by.)

 

above: Incontrovertible Photographic Evidence of Rule #1

We’d thought ourselves pretty slick. The beer would last us until our next destination: Schrannenhalle (open until 5 am). We only wanted the beer. (Lord knows we didn’t want the mugs. I already have eight at home, and they serve almost no purpose. I mean, what liquid do you really drink at home in liter quantities?)

Threats/advice/requests from German cops are not to be taken lightly. If you speak to any US/UK/French/Canadian serviceman that’s done a tour in Germany, they’ll tell you they usually got a lecture on dealing with German police when they arrived for their tour. The key learning from the lecture was this: the Polizei only have to ask once; after that, they can use whatever force they feel necessary. By buddy M. is from Karlsruhe. He’d had plenty of run-ins with the Polizei during his Wehrdienst (his obligatory service in the Bundeswehr), and believed that total subservience was the only way to salvation. Or so he thought…

* * *

So back to the story. So now the police are about to beat me about the head figuratively with the Gesetzbuch, or literally with their sticks and leather saps. My buddy M. was standing next to me, also about 6-8 liters in and looking quite cowed. The threat of a 150 Euro fine was hanging in the air, and the cop was waiting expectantly for my reaction.

“150 euros. Really?” I replied calmly.

“Yes, really.” The cop wasn’t smiling, but I decided he didn’t look unfriendly.

The cop at the passenger side had walked over to the driver’s side. Two more cops stood behind the van – both female. M. was mumbling to himself worriedly.

“Alternatively,” he leaned back again, “you can surrender the mug now and leave. With no fine.”

At once, the cops relaxed. The guy on my left leaned casually on the of the van.

M. stopped mumbling and looked up. “What?” He mumbled.

“Sounds fair,” I replied over him. I offered my Mass in surrender. I’ll gladly sacrifice my beer in order to avoid a 150 euro fine.

“Hey,” he looks at me sternly. “I don’t want your beer.”

“Oh.” I made a move to dump it out.

“Hey hey hey!” He waved his hands frantically. “You aren’t supposed to pour it out either! You can drink it.” (Nudge nudge)

I paused for a second, pondering the unspoken implications of what he’d said. He watched as the penny dropped, and grinned.

I nodded, took a deep breath, lifted my Mass, and begin to pour it down my throat…

Now, I was already quite full, and that 3/4 liter probably should have killed me. I think what saved my life was i) the critical Grundlage of chicken, goulash, and schnitzel that I’d built up during the course of the day, and ii) the fear of losing face in front of six bored Munich police officers.

I came up for air once, with about 1.5 fingers left in the Mass.

“He’d doing it! He’s doing it!” The two female officers squealed in delight.

Deep breath. The last drop was gone. I handed it back.

“Bitte schön.” I smiled.

He gives me a lopsided smirk. I know what he’s thinking. Nicht schlecht … für ein scheiss Amerikaner. Finally, he nodded. “Gentleman, have a pleasant evening.”

The doors slam shut, and they were off.

***

I’ve seen Munich police do a lot of crazy Scheisse in the past – berating jay walkers, giving DWI summons to people on bicycles, storming picnic grounds to harass and fine unauthorized barbecues (physically intimidating them too) – but being invited to pound a Mass or pay a fine was a first. It was also a pretty nice summary of O-fest 2007 for me. I think the following photos do it some justice was well.

The Breakfast of Champions: Weisswurst, Brez’n & Weissbier (not shown)

Free Beer! During the Parade of Brewers and Landlords (9 am the first Saturday), the waitress hand out free Mass to parade goers. The only way to start the day.

Readying for the parade of Brewers and Landlords

 

 

Gratuitous Shots of O-fest Cuties in Dirnd’l

I leave you with a shot of the poor sap pictured below. He probably won’t be coming back next year … or maybe he will. Ain’t nothing wrong with moderation, alternating beer with water, or leaving early. But, on the off-chance you do get carted to the Red Cross building at the Wies’n, as of 2006, a Mass of beer there cost only € 5.50!

 

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