Oktoberfest – The Happiest Place on Earth, Part I

Jump to Comments

On September 23, 2007, it’s on once again.

Oktoberfest. Der Wiesn. Damn, I love that place. Hands down, this is the best (and best-organized) festival in Europe. Nowhere else do so many come together from so far for one singular purpose.

Oktoberfest 2007 will be the 174st Oktoberfest, and for me, my 11^th. No matter where I live in the world, I always go. I always carve out one or two weekends, I always finagle a business trip, and I always, always book my tables six months in advance.

Every year, I start that first Saturday at 9 am to enjoy an up-close and personal view of the Parade of the Oktoberfest Landlords and Breweries. Munich’s six major breweries all sponsor one or two tents at the Festwiesn; each brewery has a number of carts in this parade to ceremonially bring a couple of giant wooden kegs of Festbier and some serving wenches to the festival grounds (der Wiesn). The carts are ornately decorated, and pulled by heavy draft horses. The wenches hand out free Mass of beer, and it’s generally a nice, festive scene before the chaos of the beer tents. From the parade, I rush with friends to our (reserved) table – usually in Schottenhammel or Hippodrom. I usually wake up two weeks later, broke, hung over, and very, very happy.

I won’t waste my time on this blog giving the fest’s history; a summary of that can easily be found on Wikipedia. I won’t type out some anecdotes either (all my time there has blurred together into one giant party anyway) – if you want prurience, check out this guy. What I will do is give a quick summary of the major beer tents, and share some rules of survival that have always maximized my fun. Let’s start with the rules:

Top 5 Misanthropic Rules of O-fest

#1 There are two types of people at the Wiesn – those inside a tent and those outside

#2 Connections are more valuable than money

#3 If it’s the weekend, get there early

#4 If you aren’t at a table, no one will take your order

#5 Do not be afraid, just ask nicely

 

#1 There are two types of people at the Wiesn – those inside a tent and those outside - This rule is as black and white, emotionless, and brutal as nature itself. Once the doors close, you’re either in or not. Beer tents hold upwards of 6,000 people. As massive as they are, they fill up rapidly – especially if the weather is bad, and especially if it’s the weekend. The private security guards will bolt the doors as soon as the tent is at capacity. Those who have a reservation have to fight their way to a side door marked “Reservierungen” in order to get in (even then, security might refuse you if there’s a perceived safety issue). Without a reservation, you have to fight your way to the front of a side door. Positioned in front of a side door, the security guys will shoulder it open occasionally to let people out (or eject them bodily). If they like the look of you, they’ll ask you “wieviele?” (“how many?”). He’ll give your crew a once over, and if he feels there’s space, he’ll open the door a bit wider, and you’ll be ushered in. If you look drunk, aggro, or you’re too many people, you won’t get in. A bribe might work, occasionally, but normally not. Why? Because profit-motive generally doesn’t work here. This brings us to rule #2.

#2 Connections are more valuable than money – This is true everywhere in Bavaria for just about everything: beer tents, clubs, restaurants, and even butcher’s and cheese shops. Loyal, time-tested customers count more than cash. There are cultural and historical reasons for this. But then again – Munich is Munich: It’s full of self-important, superficial people, and to the Promis and wannabes that make Munich “cool”, image is everything (even though it’s a big village and most of the place still carries the scent of cow shit).  Bottom line is that if they don’t know you, or don’t like the look of you, you won’t get in. It happens. Just save your pride. Acknowledge. Walk away.

#3 If it’s the weekend, get there early – if you want to abide by rule #1. On the weekends, tents can fill up even before noon, sometimes even before 9am! If you’ve got a large group, no reservation, and it’s Saturday, you owe it to yourself to get there around 7 or 8am, position yourself by a door, and wait. When security opens the doors, freaking run! Get in there and sit at the first table you can find. I did it once – it was like the running of the bulls in Pamplona, only more dangerous, with much higher stakes than your life. If someone comes up to you and mumbles something in German (or some other language) asking if there’s room at the table, just look them straight in the eye and say: “Nein!” Even if there’s only two of you at a table for eight, rules are rules.

#4 If you aren’t at a table, no one will take your order Like I said: Rules are rules, especially in Germany. If you don’t have a table, it won’t happen. The beer wenches and security folks will get testy if you’re simply hanging about without a table. The only solution, is rule #5.

#5 Do not be afraid, just ask nicely – If you don’t have a table or a reservation – take heart. Most fest- goers, especially Bavarians, will have been in your shoes at least once (of course, it was when they were 16 years-old and stupid), so they’ll remember. If you see an amicable face or two at a table, ask nicely if you can order. An even sounder strategy is if there’s at least one space at the table, follow rule #5 and see if one of your crew can sit at the table and order for you. People come and go at O-fest, so the rest of the table will empty out eventually.

Next entry: Oktoberfest Beer Tents – What to See, What to Avoid

6 Comments

Filed under Bavaria, Bavarians, Europe, Germans, Germany, Munich, Oktoberfest, Tips, Travel, beer, guide, survival, women